How do I deal with change?

On the way home from work we were discussing that we should convince Klári to change certain things. It is impossible that she has been sitting in the office for half a year now and she still cannot do anything on her own. She is afraid to make decisions alone. She even picks up the phone only reluctantly. Finally she should do something! 

Nevertheless, she has time to have a coffee every half an hour. She should pull herself together. She should follow the rhythm. She should change her attitude. But this is just how Klári is – as we finally acknowledge.

My sister does not care about anything. She should change it, it cannot go on like this. She stopped playing basketball and she does not go swimming anymore either. She is bored with it. What will this child be? She is watching TV all day long. She does not even leave the apartment. She should start doing something! At least she would be watching the English language channels. She should realize what she is doing! It cannot go on like this. Something has to be done here.

These monologues sound similar, right? We all heard these things before, even more most of us tend to see things clearly: how others should do certain things and what and when they should change. As an outsider it is obvious to us when people around us make mistakes and most of us seem to be very wise when it comes to organizing other people's lives.

But are we so smart when it comes to our own fights?

Let's suppose that I have a dream: I would like to learn to play the drums but I have not started it yet. I would not have time for it. I would like to go swimming again. But I am always so tired! It would be nice to find a new job. But at the moment I do not have time to go to job interviews. When it is about us we are immediately much more forgiving and understanding.

And how good we are when it comes to daydreaming! But are we conscious enough to turn our dreams into reality? And are we self-consistent enough to do something every day in order to achieve our dreams? How do we recognize a good aim at all?

Many people are afraid to move towards their dreams as it means change. Subconsciously we are all afraid of change as it means something new, something unstable. We can find ourselves in new, unfamiliar situations where we cannot rely on our routines and quite often we also have to give up our comfort. Change is like walking into a shady, strange room. It is like to start walking at an unknown place without a map.

It is worth learning about and dealing with our fear consciously. It is worth thinking about it: I am afraid. But what do I want to do about this fear? Do I let it prevent me from reaching my objectives? Or do I overcome this, I make myself aware of the fact that I am scared but I start off anyway?

Do I see change as a fearsome challenge or an exciting opportunity? Is it my fear or my will that guides me? 

How do I deal with change?

Life according to Csíkszentmihályi

Act as you can change the world, but laugh if you fail doing so – Csíkszentmihályi Mihály cites the famous Buddhist saying in his book entitled ‘Flow – the secret to happiness’, in which he answers the questions of Ingeborg Szöllösi.

The book (Mihaly Csíkszentmihalyi: Flow – der Weg zum Glück, Der Entdecker des Flow-Prinzips erklärt seine Lebensphilosophie, Herder Verlag 2012) was published by the German Herder publishing company and is not the same as the books published in Hungarian with similar titles.

Many people live as they have a lifelong ticket to reality. It makes them feel secure, and with this knowledge they go to work, they have lunch and they pay their taxes. They live according to controlled processes where nothing unexpected happens. Others who do not have the same ticket are addicted to a passion which might seem useless to others: they collect old stamps or they go fishing and they stand in the ice-cold water for hours without catching anything. It seems that these activities are good-for-nothing, still, they bring us closer to the experience of ecstasy, explains the author (page 16.).

Through the pages of the book we can get an insight into the childhood of Csíkszentmihályi. In the refugee camp in Italy, where he lived for a while together with his parents, he had to do different jobs already as a child. It was back then that he discovered that happiness does not depend on what we do, but on how we do it. We can find the challenge in everything: we can always strain after accomplishing our tasks better, faster or in a more inventive way. This way we can transform work into play and we can avoid being bored, which is a clear sign that we should change something (page 33.).

‘I do not want to end up as a character actor who can only play one well-defined role’. It is a great feeling to play one role well, but it is easy to get rusty and become addicted to the world we created, if we always play the same role in life as well. That is why it is important to always remain open and approach reality in a playful manner (page 37). What we need for playfulness is that we are not concerned with ourselves too much and we should not be afraid of becoming ridiculous (p. 61.).

What is an autotelic activity? In his book we can find the answer to this question as well. The word ‘autotelic’ is of Greek origin, ‘auto’ means self and ‘telos’ means objective. An autotelic activity is an activity having a purpose in itself, one whose objective is itself, something we do with pleasure just for the joy of the activity itself. While doing these activities we can live through the flow experience (page 149.). We can lose a lot if the reward for our work does not come from inside, but solely from external sources, says the author. In the chapter entitled ‘Work, play, exhilaration’ the author explains that work itself should also mean a reward. If our work does not recompense us, if we only work for money or an award, then sooner or later we will burn out (page 58.).

And this is not only theory, but practice as well. Csíkszentmihályi mentions the Patagonia clothes factory where they had already realized that work and play does not rule out, rather strengthen each other. The central office of the company is in a small town in California, next to the ocean. Approximately 100 people work in the office, in the lobby there is a huge clock and there are surf boards on the wall. When waves become 1 meter high, the clock tolls and all the employees can go outside surfing. The main message of the company’s philosophy is that it is not compulsory to work, everyone can freely decide if he/she wants to surf or work (page 65.).

The author introduces his principles of parenting in the book and also presents a new school model that functions very well according to him. He also discusses the disadvantages of the flow experience, as the experience of absorption has advantages and disadvantages as well.

I like the books of Csíkszentmihályi because they strengthen the faith in me that playing is permitted. The book has not been published yet in Hungarian but I already recommend it to everybody who would like to read about how life is according to Csíkszentmihályi in a lightsome and readable form.